Facebook, you are kind of a dick. I was browsing through my
stream, or whatever it is called, the other day. I had just awakened and was a
bit bleary eyed. I have begun to limit my Facebooking recently. I will still
crack off witty posts, but I try to not read too many. You see, it’s all
negative Nancy on there now. The majority of my Facebook friends are cops. It’s
pretty rough being a cop these days, if you haven’t heard. The news also sucks.
The presidential election is coming soon, and that is just so bad it seems like
a joke. Regardless of what your political leanings, the entire process is a
clown show now. Both sides of the spectrum are essentially reality TV gone
horribly wrong. I’m also inclined to believe that if you don’t at least
partially agree with that, you are part of the problem. There is no discussion
or political discourse anymore. That has all descended into the realm of “Yo
Mamma” jokes, but I digress. I also have a few police specific things that show
trends and whatnot, like how to not get dead and donut technology advancements.
I can only take all of this in small doses. I stopped caring about the news in
any form about a year ago for the same reason. Society is going to Hell in a hand
basket and I don’t need to read the play by play.
So I am taking in my daily dose of bullcrap and scrolling
down. I come to that thing where it recommends friends to you. Like maybe you
have a lot of the same friends and you should TOTALLY be BFF’s, or maybe it’s your
mutual love of Wham! and George Michael's early work that should bring you together (don't you dare judge me, he is a sexy beast). Either way,
Facebook is certain you should really be friends. I always look at these, because
one can never have too many pretend friends. Facebook, being a complete dick,
takes this chance to roundhouse kick me right in the feels. Allow me a moment
to explain.
Whenever I meet or talk with someone of the lady variety that
may perhaps be a future candidate for my next ex-wife, I Google the heck out of
them. This is for many reasons. First, I can’t be getting involved with some Occupy
ISIS Lives Matter operative (although, that might make for a sweet movie plot).
Second, I would kind of like to get as much intel on them to see if there is
the slightest chance they are going buy me a ticket to “Relationship Based
PTSD, Part II. The Return”. This is not failsafe by any stretch, but it’s a good
start. Facebook is a great tool for all this. You can gain some decent insight
on a person by their posts. There might be all these cool recipe shares, or
happy sayings with rainbows and unicorns in the background (I freaking LOVE
unicorns!), or any number or sane regular people type things. There may also be
all this bitter “My ex ruined my life” man hater stuff, or pictures of them throwing
up gang signs wit dey homies. It’s all certainly relative, but information is
power and it has done ok for me so far. I must also note that I don’t relationship
well. Be it poor choosing (maybe it hasn’t worked out well), my poor schedule,
or my own treasure chest of issues, the last year and some change has been less
than successful in the dating department.
Back on track. For whatever reason, Facebook decided that
all the people I have ever searched for information on need to be my friends
now. This includes women folk, but also a few random people from work type
things (that was a bit odd). I scrolled through all these people and it was a
who’s who of chances lost, really bad decisions on my part, and sometimes my
own wishful thinking. I am in no way, shape or form a bitter woman hater. My
horrid ex brought many valuable lessons about myself, forgiveness, and compassion.
She also allowed me to do an awful lot of self reflection. These things have benefitted
me in ways that I cannot measure. So when I am reminded of these women that I
had interest in to whatever degree, I am not bitter or angry. I am sad and disappointed
in myself. Each of these women represent a longing that was not returned or
even warranted, a mistake of choice or compatibility, or a missed opportunity
for something I was not ready for or maybe even capable of. Seeing these women
is like looking into a mirror and seeing only my failures and flaws being
reflected back. It kind of sucked.
This type of thing can either help or hurt. As with anything
in life, it can be a learning experience if you choose it to be. I live in
denial of many things, this being one. It is an issue that needs study and work
if I am to make any progress. It is a chance to evaluate what went wrong and
why. It is a chance to look deep inside my wants and desires and see if they
are on the right track. I could have drowned my sorrows away in booze, but that
is hard on the liver, quite expensive, and doesn’t really jive well with my
medications. I think I shall take it as a gift instead.
I deleted all of the Ghosts of Longings past and didn’t really
find anyone that I had to be friends with. I did, however, get to place a
little mark on my life map to a place I need to visit and become familiar with.
All in due time though. I am currently drowning that map in a good hefeweizen
beer and am in no state to navigate a course right now.
