Anyway...
I have worked an awful lot of Halloween oriented overtime recently. It's been tiring but also rewarding in a way. I really do enjoy being out in the public as a policeman, especially around kids. They like to say hello, shake my hand, ask weird kid questions (yes, a taser REALLY hurts), and maybe have a picture taken with me and them in their policeman costume. I don't enjoy this because it makes me feel like something more than I am. I like this because I know that kid went home and could not stop thinking about how he got to meet that policeman, AND HE EVEN ASKED WHAT MY NAME WAS!!!!! That kid got to meet and interact in a very positive way with someone he or she thought of as a hero. Who doesn't like to meet a hero?
I remember when I was very young, kindergarten or maybe even before, I colored this picture of a smiling policeman in whatever class I was in. I didn't get it quite finished and it remained this way until the picture met whatever unknown fate. The officer had a kind and friendly face. He was waving at me. The image was positive and friendly. Policeman were my heroes to me and every kid I knew. I was very fortunate to be able to grow up and become what I had always thought of as a hero. I go to work everyday and have this perspective. I know that there is always some kid out there that sees me in my uniform and thinks the same way that I did all those years ago.
One of my many overtime jobs has been at the costume store. I guess it is to deter theft. What is funny though is just how many people thought I was in a costume. I always roll with it because I'm a fun guy. I get to make the same jokes to each different person. "Yeah, it's a really expensive costume. You have to ask for it specifically in the back." Then I go into how totally worth it the costume is because it's so awesome, I get full size snickers. They catch on and we both have a good laugh. It is a wonderful positive interaction with the public. It shows that I am human and a goofball, not some robot in a uniform. I also talk to just about any kid that makes eye contact with me. I ask what their name is, what they are going to be for Halloween, and just other general chatty type things. Whatever I can do to have a positive interaction with this kid and his or her parents. I even did it in my very limited spanish today and that kid was even more impressed. It's fun. It's almost a PR event and I go out of my way to be approachable and friendly. Things were like this every time I was at a job like this, until today.
I was at the costume store doing my shtick today when a black guy came up to me and did the whole that's a neat costume thing. He had several kids and they were all standing around me. It was a wonderful opportunity to do what I love doing. This one was different. When the guy figured out that I really was a policeman, his expression changed to something like a mix of fear and horror. He snatched his kids away from me like I had just revealed that I was a convicted child rapist. He backed away with this look on his face that looked like he was in real danger. It took me a second for this to sink in, but then I understood. To him, I am the bogeyman. I am evil incarnate. I am a dangerous racist, thirsty for blood. I bet he still shivers about just how close he came to being beaten in a frenzy of hatred and racism. My duties were to wander around the isles and I ran into him and his kids again by chance. His kids had that same look of terror, like at any moment I would snap and just shoot them or something. I could not believe this. It was devastating to me. It happened again a short time later. A cute little black girl of about eight years saw me and screamed "police!" in terror and ran to the safety of her mother. The mother scowled at me like I had just tried to harm her daughter. My heart just sank.
What has happened? How can me and my profession go from being a hero to some little kid to something that puts genuine fear in the hearts of people? I had to stop paying any attention to the news about all the time all this Ferguson stuff went down because every other story was how evil and racist cops were. I had to abandon my beloved NPR because I could not stand to hear how horrible I was on such a regular basis. This idea just kills me. I leave my house and my son everyday do go out into the world and try to make a difference in someones life. Every time I walk out that door, it could be the last time my son sees me alive. I do this with eagerness because I feel fortunate to be able to help my community. I have names and faces forever etched into my mind of lives I have saved or changed. There are three real people that are only alive today because of my direct action, twice with serious risk to my own life. I love what I represent, safety, justice, protection. I can't understand why anyone would fear such a thing as that.
I am about to spell check and proof this entry and head out to another overtime job on Halloween. I will be there to protect and serve. I will be there to save people from themselves and others. I will do this with the knowledge that some will see me as a threat, a danger to society, a predator that lusts for the chance to perpetrate his racist violence upon the world. I will be there, committed as always, but I will be full of sorrow about what our world has become.
The Angel of the Night
Fear not the night.
Fear that which walks the night.
And I am that which walks the night.
But only evil need fear me …
and gentle souls sleep safe in their beds…
because I walk the night.
~by Lt. Col. Dave Grossman
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