The Wandering

When I was a younger man, in my early twenties, my home was the sea. Like for real, I actually lived on a ship. It was pretty awesome actually. I got to see about half the world from that ship and gained my love of travel in the process. My "rack" ,as it is referred to, was like a bunk bed stacked three high. This would have been totally rad when I was around eight years old, but as a young man it was a bit claustrophobic.

My vacation home was my car. A 1995 Dodge Neon. It was my first brand new car. I got it off the lot with seven miles on the odometer. It still had the plastic on the seats from transport from the factory. I had stopped at home on the way to my ship from my RM school in San Diego, then drove this gleaming white beauty to Florida to report to my first ship.

Living on the ship was pretty boring. I am certain they have much more entertainment on the ship for present day sailors. Back then, not so much. I read in my rack as much as I could handle, but most of the time I would get in my car and just wander. I would drive wherever I chose just for the heck of it. would often sleep in my car at some random destination. There was no family, no responsibility until I had to me back at the ship, nothing to tie me down. I enjoyed this freedom. My life was fresh and the possibilities were endless. Wandering was my way of being free.

Many years have passed since then. I got married, had an awesome son with a not so awesome mom, Got the awesome son full time, started my career, then got married again. This last event turned out to be a very bad thing. It was an exceptionally bad marriage with an exceptionally mentally ill woman.

This relationship completely deconstructed my being. I was able to escape, and escape is a very appropriate word. It has been a rough year, and the strings are not completely severed from this destructive person quite yet. The process of healing has been very eye opening for me. I have learned things about myself I did not know, seen issues inside of me that I did not know were issues, and began a different path I didn't know existed. Like the phoenix rising from the ashes, I have been reborn after a cataclysmic fireball. Every day is fresh and new but this sometimes brings new issues to ponder.

I wandered again today for the first time in decades. My teenage son is off on a trip with his friends so my only responsibility this weekend is myself. It is very different though. Today, I have a comfortable new home. I have a career, I have long term responsibilities. My wandering today was less about freedom, and more about a longing to be free. Were it not for the return of my awesome son on Sunday, I could have wandered off forever. I could have left my career, I could have left my home, I could have left my identity. It is a very strong desire, but alas It cannot be. It cannot be quite yet.

I have visions of a one person RV. It would be van based or maybe even a small towable one. It would not be my home though. I would sleep there, eat there, and keep my books there. My home would be the road. My name would be Nobody. I would have no superficial ties as I have now. My son is my only real anchor, but he is an adult soon and there are many ways to communicate frequently. I would be adventurously homeless, like men from an earlier time. I would live life just to live life.

I will truly be my Nobody someday. It is on the horizon, but I am not quite there yet. I will have the freedom of my youth but the experiences of my former life to guide me forever onward.