Slip

I had an almost comical run of bad luck and negative experiences last month. It was over the top. My friend at work ran into me when I was doing paperwork and asked “Dude, are you alright? Your luck fucking sucks.” He was spot on. My luck did indeed fucking suck, and I shall count the ways in no particular order.

I crashed my scout car under circumstances where it was clear the universe was just screwing with me.

I bent down to pet my cat one morning and my cell phone fell from my pocket. The screen shattered as to be unreadable. I have had a smartphone for many years and have never so much as scratched it (I did drop a flip phone in the toilet once, but that doesn’t count).

I almost got pissed on at work. This is a perk of the job, but on this occasion it was absurd. I work the hospital district and most of my work consists of mental health transport from the ER to another facility and transports for drunks that get brought in when they blackout in the middle of the street. They are usually homeless guys, and they are pretty cool for the most part (like my man Don). I am way cool with them and I have had some pretty good, albeit drunken, conversations with them. I enjoy this work and head to the ER for these calls without even a trace of resentment. This particular guy was new and apparently having no part of this being cool nonsense. He wouldn’t even speak to me, so with no other choice I took him to detox. It was still in a friendly manner, because why not. When I opened the back door to let him out, I was greeted with his charged and ready firehose. He started to piss at me and I dodged it like Neo, then blocked it with my boot. I wasn’t even mad, just confused.

There was a scheduling SNAFU and I was left off an overtime job I work. I only work it to get some debt paid down. Debt is stress, stress kills.

Another of my drunk homeless guys had a full on seizure while walking in to detox. This guy is a regular and a joy to chat with. He is a tattooed old Indian guy with a sweet Indian name like “John Strangles Bears”. He has done time and talks about how he used to fight really well, but is “too old for that bullshit now”. I turned around to open the door and he seized up and hit the ground hard. I couldn’t catch him. I called for the ambulance and he would end up OK, but I felt terrible for him.

There are many other assorted minor annoyances, but those are the high points. They are First World Problems for certain, but shut up. It made me think of that scene in “Stripes” where Bill Murray’s character has one of those shit days that is capped off with his hot (and topless) girlfriend leaving him. All the while there is that sad “woe is me” soundtrack in the background. I didn’t even get a soundtrack. It seemed to never end.

Right in the middle of all this, my son has a friend that lives down the street. His friend’s sister is in Girl Scouts and his mother is the leader. They were having a weekend camp and needed a person to run the archery range. I am no archer, but my son and his friend are good and have taught at camp. I have the range safety certification though. It was scheduled for an off weekend and I was not busy due to my overtime gig mix-up. I agreed to go and run the range. It was at Slip. I figured since the Gods were likely to send a comet to land on me, it might as well be at someplace I enjoy. I did not realize the magic that Slip possesses.

The big weekend came. I reluctantly agreed to bring my dog, Lennie, along. I love Lennie, but I imagined a weekend of chasing him around like a sugared up toddler. The mother had met Lennie two weeks prior when my fence and blown down and he had escaped. He is friendly to a fault and had approached a girl that thankfully called me, but we were out of town. I called my son’s friend. They took him in until we returned the next day. We left late because I overslept, but I, my son, Lennie the Rescue Ghetto Mutt, and my son’s friend headed down the road.

The magic of this place can apparently turn the tide of good and evil. Slip is a summer camp, but the camp is used year round. I had worked at Slip as a teenager for two summers. It was the best era of my life. My son worked at this camp last summer, a full twenty-two years after I did. I alone as a youth and with my son as a father have had many good times here since.

We arrived after dark and the boys got settled in their hammocks. I went off to another campsite and started an inviting fire for the night. I started a pot of water and drank herbal tea. I read “Legends of the Fall” by Jim Harrison. My trusty companion Lennie stayed by my side all night. The next day I woke early. I had only slept a few hours but felt energetic for once. We set up the archery range and several groups of Girl Scouts came and went. They were all polite, friendly and appreciative. Most importantly though, they had a blast. They did not have this opportunity at home and they all gleefully took full advantage of the opportunity. Between the groups, me and the boys would goof around with the bows and generally had a lot of fun. We finished with all the groups, cleaned up the range, and headed to the lake to hang out. My son and his friend went off to Turtle Rock to fish. Lennie and I went to the boating and swimming area to have a look around. Lennie, to my amazement, does not like to get wet. I got him a kiddie pool so he could cool off in the summer, but he was not interested. He is not a big fan of baths either. I didn’t think he would do anything but stare warily at the evil wetness of Lake Powell. We walked around, checked things out and to my utter amazement, Lennie ran into the water a full speed. He swam is circles like a little kid. He got out of the water and ran around in circles faster than I’ve ever seen him run before, then would bolt back into the water for another swim. Lennie could hardly contain his doggy paddle joy. He swam and swam and finally got out and did his berserker run again, and bolted up the hill. Lennie does not ever leave my side, but he was so excited I think he just forgot just what it was he was doing. His energy and unbridled joy was so intense that laughed out loud. I called him back and he snapped out of whatever swim rage he had worked himself up to. He came back and just collapsed. We sat and watched the sun set over the lake.

Day had slowly faded into a cool and clear night. We all walked back to camp, with the boys headed to their campsite and me and Lennie to ours. I fed and watered Lennie and put a can of beans in the fire to heat, hobo style. Lennie ate a bit and drank a lot. Then he went to the car and sat down and started to stare at me with his big brown eyes as he quietly whimpered. This means he wants something, but doesn’t want to be too pushy about it. Lennie wanted to be put to bed in the car. I opened the door and lifted him in and he quickly fell asleep. There was way too much nature outside for him to sleep soundly, it seems. Once again, this dog warmed my heart. He is like a furry little child and his easygoing sweetness never fails to brighten my day.

I had my hobo beans and decided to go for a walk, guided only by the star filled sky. I went back down to the waterfront and put a canoe in the water. I gently paddled out to the middle of this small lake and sat to take in the peace and quiet. There was no wind and the temperature was of that perfect early fall feeling. There was not a cloud in the sky. I looked at the Milky Way and all the stars that I can never see in the light of the city. It was mesmerizing. I was drawn to the eastern sky where I gazed upon The Seven Sisters for what seemed like an eternity. I have seen The Seven Sisters many times in many exotic locations, be it on a mountain top in New Mexico or in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean while out at sea. The Seven Sisters are my muse; they are my guide towards the better side of what life brings you. I began to grow a bit tired and paddled back to shore, where I put the canoe up for the winter.

I awoke the next morning and felt even better than the one before. We all went down to The Falls. The boys went for a swim, and Lennie went water crazy again. I went to a special spot I found a few summers back to sit and meditate. The peace of the rushing water, the joy of boys swimming, and the humor at Lennie going berserk capped the weekend off nicely. We drove home, stopping for some damn good barbeque about halfway back to the city. Things since then have gone the other way, almost comical, to the positive side. I credit the magic of Slip. Like the healing waters of a mineral bath, The Falls have cleansed my soul from what ails me.  

Crossroads

So I should be totally be sleeping now since I start back to work tonight, but I kind of fell asleep early last night and now I'm screwed. So it was off the the internet with my wandering mind.

I was all over the place as usually. I shopped for some books, choosing "Legends of the Fall" by Jim Harrison. My friend told me about him and described him as a Hemingway type of guy. Hopefully I will be able to get to it sooner rather than later as opposed to going in to my ever growing backlog of books.I also got into the ever present thoughts of escapism. I switched back and forth between two very different concepts, but equally distant from all of life's trials and tribulations.

I am coming to terms with the fact that in just a few short years, a major chapter of my life will be closing. My son is a sophomore in high school. Soon he will be off to college and embarking on his adult life of Astronaut President Explorer Writer. Just kidding, I'd never want him to be a politician. Anyway, being dad to your son is a life long adventure, but very soon he will be a man with only preventative maintenance required from time to time. This will leave me from lots a free time and less restrictions involving school districts and busy teen schedules. A new chapter will open.

I am drawn to two very different but strikingly similar things. The previous mentioned travel and RV living and the equally escapist off the grid homesteading. I am fascinated with the idea. I have been researching earthbag homes, solar and wind power, I adore gardening and have canned my crops in the past, livestock, bee keeping, and many other things. I can almost feel the satisfaction of crafting my own home made from dirt and sacks, raw wood and recycled materials. Growing my food. Every bit of effort going right towards my very being. Its as free as the open road. Freedom of the mind and soul. What do I choose though? I cannot reasonably do both.

I believe this is more an issue of the almost overwhelming possibilities of the freedom I will soon have. I will be free with my time, my obligations, my resources, and most importantly with my mind and soul. It is an awful lot to behold. I have a few years to let it all age and mellow. As the ideas come closer to reality, I am certain I will find the right path for this second act.

Right now I am going to finish my movie. I am watching "Sideways". It is pretty good so far and seems to be in tune with the midlife crisis and rebirth thing. It was also recommended by the same friend that told me about Jim Harrison. I hope this character doesn't suck start a shotgun or something, because that will really screw up the jive of this entry. TTFN!

Nayati Achak

I have always hated my first name. When I was in grade school, there were always about 4 boys who had the same name as me. We all had to be distinguished by adding the first initial of our last name to our first name. I could not just be "Bodhi", I had to be "Bodhi N.". I looked up the naming trends of the mid 1970's and found that my name was one of the top three names for boys, or something like that. I could have told you that without looking. I have also always though of my name as a little boys name. This is most likely more a reflection of my inability to consider myself an adult than the name itself. I guess my name could be "Steel Macho Explosions" and I would see this as a child's name as well. That is totally the name a kid would give himself, but I digress. I have always gone by my last name, since this is a military type thing, and I guess I'm a reluctant military type guy. 

Last year when I had my brain explosion and subsequent forced change in consciousness, I considered the concept of a name change. There is some precedence for this. When Buddhists take certain vows, they change their name to reflect their new life path. The Pope takes a new name when he is jumped in as Pope. I even went on a date with a woman that had changed her entire name after a failed marriage. I imagine she saw her situation similar to mine in many ways. The shedding of shackles of the past that requires a new identity for the future. It was just one date, so I didn't get to explore the idea further with her. Pity. 

I don't know that I would ever legally change my name, what a hassle. I've held on to the same cell number for more than a decade through much difficulty. How on earth would I handle a real change in identity? I do like the idea of an informal name change though, maybe even just for self reflection purposes. This is where the "Bodhi Nobody" concept came from. This is an impractical name,

however. Am I really going to sign checks like that? No, but I'd like an alter ego that I could maybe do so with. I toyed with many ideas over the last year. Google translate is an awesome way to celebrate insomnia. It will translate languages that I didn't even know we're languages. It will translate Esperanto, a language made up by hippies or something. Klingon is sadly not an option (yet). There were some ideas that sounded worthy. Nothing seemed to really grab me though. 

I was watching the Ken Burns documentary called The West the other day. I love that guy's films. Anyway, the first segment of this film is about the Native Americans, the First Nations. The cultures were so very diverse, as were the languages. I think some people mistakenly think there was just an "Indian" culture. This was very much not the case. The language systems alone were drastically varied. There were languages that range from the equivalent of Swahili to Chinese to Russian. It was amazing. This got me thinking and off to the internet I scampered. 

I have had some interest in native language and cultures and have looked at this before. The difference is that recently my sleep has really sucked and there is much more time to waste online. This time I hit the Jackpot. I found a native list of baby names. I began to search. I have had a generally idea of what I would want a new name to mean, but not be all In your face about it. There are a few souls in my Zen meditation group that have taken vows and given themselves new names. This is a problem. Names like this should be bestowed upon you, as a mark of your characteristics. When you give yourself a new name, I think it is more a reflection of what you wish to be. This does not always mesh with what you are or even have the capacity to be. Then you call yourself "Unicorn Boner" and it's just awkward for your friends. I don't have a wise sage to bestow a new name upon me, so I tried to be reasonable. 

I wanted my name to reflect my tumultuous journey. This is a journey that will likely never end, at least until I end. I don't think I'll ever find the end of the spirtual and emotional road, but I will still forever walk it. The name I came up with is "Nayati Achek". It is allegedly a mix of two languages and may mean "He Wrestles with His Spirit" It could also just be face noise that sounds cool or mean "dog toenail" or something. Regardless, shut up. It sounds cool and can't be any less made up than my given name. 

I won't be signing checks with my sweet new name. I won't be getting a name tag. I may even have a newer new name next week. It's just for my own over active mind. If I am sly though, I might just slip it in the next time I order a smoothie or something. 

Screw You, Facebook.

Facebook, you are kind of a dick. I was browsing through my stream, or whatever it is called, the other day. I had just awakened and was a bit bleary eyed. I have begun to limit my Facebooking recently. I will still crack off witty posts, but I try to not read too many. You see, it’s all negative Nancy on there now. The majority of my Facebook friends are cops. It’s pretty rough being a cop these days, if you haven’t heard. The news also sucks. The presidential election is coming soon, and that is just so bad it seems like a joke. Regardless of what your political leanings, the entire process is a clown show now. Both sides of the spectrum are essentially reality TV gone horribly wrong. I’m also inclined to believe that if you don’t at least partially agree with that, you are part of the problem. There is no discussion or political discourse anymore. That has all descended into the realm of “Yo Mamma” jokes, but I digress. I also have a few police specific things that show trends and whatnot, like how to not get dead and donut technology advancements. I can only take all of this in small doses. I stopped caring about the news in any form about a year ago for the same reason. Society is going to Hell in a hand basket and I don’t need to read the play by play.

So I am taking in my daily dose of bullcrap and scrolling down. I come to that thing where it recommends friends to you. Like maybe you have a lot of the same friends and you should TOTALLY be BFF’s, or maybe it’s your mutual love of Wham! and George Michael's early work that should bring you together (don't you dare judge me, he is a sexy beast). Either way, Facebook is certain you should really be friends. I always look at these, because one can never have too many pretend friends. Facebook, being a complete dick, takes this chance to roundhouse kick me right in the feels. Allow me a moment to explain.

Whenever I meet or talk with someone of the lady variety that may perhaps be a future candidate for my next ex-wife, I Google the heck out of them. This is for many reasons. First, I can’t be getting involved with some Occupy ISIS Lives Matter operative (although, that might make for a sweet movie plot). Second, I would kind of like to get as much intel on them to see if there is the slightest chance they are going buy me a ticket to “Relationship Based PTSD, Part II. The Return”. This is not failsafe by any stretch, but it’s a good start. Facebook is a great tool for all this. You can gain some decent insight on a person by their posts. There might be all these cool recipe shares, or happy sayings with rainbows and unicorns in the background (I freaking LOVE unicorns!), or any number or sane regular people type things. There may also be all this bitter “My ex ruined my life” man hater stuff, or pictures of them throwing up gang signs wit dey homies. It’s all certainly relative, but information is power and it has done ok for me so far. I must also note that I don’t relationship well. Be it poor choosing (maybe it hasn’t worked out well), my poor schedule, or my own treasure chest of issues, the last year and some change has been less than successful in the dating department.

Back on track. For whatever reason, Facebook decided that all the people I have ever searched for information on need to be my friends now. This includes women folk, but also a few random people from work type things (that was a bit odd). I scrolled through all these people and it was a who’s who of chances lost, really bad decisions on my part, and sometimes my own wishful thinking. I am in no way, shape or form a bitter woman hater. My horrid ex brought many valuable lessons about myself, forgiveness, and compassion. She also allowed me to do an awful lot of self reflection. These things have benefitted me in ways that I cannot measure. So when I am reminded of these women that I had interest in to whatever degree, I am not bitter or angry. I am sad and disappointed in myself. Each of these women represent a longing that was not returned or even warranted, a mistake of choice or compatibility, or a missed opportunity for something I was not ready for or maybe even capable of. Seeing these women is like looking into a mirror and seeing only my failures and flaws being reflected back. It kind of sucked.

This type of thing can either help or hurt. As with anything in life, it can be a learning experience if you choose it to be. I live in denial of many things, this being one. It is an issue that needs study and work if I am to make any progress. It is a chance to evaluate what went wrong and why. It is a chance to look deep inside my wants and desires and see if they are on the right track. I could have drowned my sorrows away in booze, but that is hard on the liver, quite expensive, and doesn’t really jive well with my medications. I think I shall take it as a gift instead.

I deleted all of the Ghosts of Longings past and didn’t really find anyone that I had to be friends with. I did, however, get to place a little mark on my life map to a place I need to visit and become familiar with. All in due time though. I am currently drowning that map in a good hefeweizen beer and am in no state to navigate a course right now.

First Night

I'm tired of driving. I've made it to Tucumcari, NM for the night. My son is unconscious in the front passenger seat and has been for a few hours. I'm pretty sure that kid would have slept through a car crash. He tends to talk in his sleep and even sleep walk from time to time. He kind of woke like that a bit ago. I warned him not to go sleep walking because that first step out the door would be a bummer at 75 mph. He sleepily agreed with me. 

I've racked out in the back. I will need to organize this mess another night, but it's 1:30 am and I'm tired. I wandered my way off the highway just out of town onto a lonely dirt road. It looks like I'm near the base of a small peak but it's had to see in the dark. The stars are quite bright but so is the moon. Even still, I can see much of the heavens above me. I even got to see a shooting start. I am cramped and it's a bit stuffy because I don't want to leave the windows down too much (chupacabras might get us). It is still quite pleasant though to hear the wind outside my car. I'm off to sleep for a few hours so we can push into Albuquerque early. We have two cool museums and the Sandia Mountain Tram to hit tomorrow. I'll rest well being oblivious to the rest of the world. 

Rocks in my Pocket

Last summer, I was blissfully able to take a backpacking trip in northern New Mexico. The country was breathtaking. We summited two mountains and went about 100 miles over a ten day span. When I went out there, I was kind of in the beginning of my new mindful and contemplative journey. I paid attention to every detail of this trip so that I was in the moment. I could not enjoy the forests and the mountains if my mind was busy in the past or in the future.

We would backpack for hours. It was strenuous and monotonous but in a very enjoyable way, I began to notice the beauty of the rocks. There were rocks everywhere, you know, cuz it was a mountain and stuff. I began to collect the most interesting ones I saw. "Leave only footprints and take only ALL THE ROCKS YOU CAN CRAM INTO YOUR PACK!!!" It got a bit ridiculous, the amount of extra weight I was carrying. Putting rocks in your backpack for 100 miles sounds like some sort of punishment your First Sergeant gives you for not pointing your weapon down range or something. I was doing this to myself. Nobody ever accused me of being smart. The trip unfortunately had to end, as all good things do. We left New Mexico and headed back home where the only rocks we have are sandstone and also that other sandstone.

What to do with all these cool rocks? They were pretty neat, but they would be way cool when they were polished. I went and bought a used rock tumbler and started looking into how to get these rocks polished and shiny. Polished rocks are fascinating and beautiful. There are infinite colors, swirls, specks, and colorations. All of this beauty took millions of years to form and then another million years to break loose and find its way on my path on the trail. The tumbling process takes a pretty long time, about 6 or 7 weeks of tumbling in 4 or 5 different degrees of grit. This takes the rock from this wild and gnarled rough stone into a shaped and rounded gleaming thing of beauty. I ordered a grit kit off the internet and got to tumbling.

If patience is a virtue, then I am not a very virtuous man. I could not hardly stand to wait for the time it took to tumble. You put the rocks in the barrel, put some water in, and then your grit and plug it in for at least a week. You cannot open the barrel and screw with the stones or even look at them because the process produces a gritty slurry. It has to just roll along in the dark barrel while I sit there and watch. It's like watching grass grow, except you are really excited to see how the grass turns out. I would run the batch of grit, remove the rocks and clean them and the barrel spotless and then start the new batch of grit. The 6 weeks finally went by and I had my splendid rocks.

These rocks were amazing. The diversity of color and design and just random beauty. They were all kinds of shapes. Some had pits and crevices, others were totally smooth. The fact that I had carried all these rocks and gathered them quite intimately from such a beautiful place made it that much better. I had this whole pile of amazing rocks. I put them in a cool wooden bowl I had picked up in some faraway land while I was in the Navy and that was that.

This is where I must go on a necessary tangent. When I head to work, I always put a few things in my pocket. Talismans, lucky charms, things like that. I have an Archangel Micheal coin, the patron saint of police officers. I have a few of these actually that have different little prayers on back. Saints are a Catholic thing but I like the mythology of it. The Archangel Micheal, leader of God's army of good versus evil. Legend says Satan got too big for his britches and he and his posse decided they wanted to be like God. The Archangel Michael was totally not down with that and was loyal to his chain of command. He, along with the army he lead, curb stomped Satan into Hell. He condescendingly utters "Quis ut Deus?" to Satan after the beat down and calmly walks away as stuff explodes behind him (probably). It's obvious why he is the patron saint of police officers. "Archangel Micheal, defend us in our day of battle...". I also carry an Eastern Orthodox prayer rope about the size of a string bracelet. This is used like a Catholic Rosary or Buddhist prayer beads. They use it to recite the "Jesus Prayer". The rope has 33 very intricately tied knots, knots that contain seven crosses being tied over and over. The 33 is for the number of years Jesus was alive. This legend says that Saint Anthony would tie simple knots in a rope every time he prayed. Satan would come and untie the knots, so he started tying the intricate seven cross knot that I am quite certain is more confounding then when you get one of those dang knots in your shoe lace. Side note, apparently Satan is that kind of dick that walks up behind you and starts saying "27, 13, 84, 28, 16..." when you are trying to count stuff and keep track. That generally gets you punched in the nuts in my world. My theology knowledge does not specify if Satan has nuts or not so I don't know if that's a viable way to battle Satan and his shenanigans. I also carry this little rope thing I made to remind me of why its important to be smart and safe and get myself home everyday. I must get home to my teenage son, who I am raising completely on my own. I took a button off of his old boy scout uniform he wore for three years but recently grew out of. I took red paracord (his favorite color), tied an intricate friendship knot and then tied two figure eight knots to signify that its just me and him. The button is in the loop made by the friendship know. I also took to carrying once of my aforementioned polished stones as a worry stone and also a reminder of that amazing trip.

Ok, back on track. I carry these things in my pocket when I am at work. Since I transferred back to patrol last year, I have become a bit of a specialist in dealing with and connecting with mentally or emotionally disturbed people I encounter or am in a position to assist. I have very specialized training in this from a few years back, but I am now the guy that has actually walked a mile in their shoes. I was on a call a bit back with this young college girl named Monica. She had talked to a friend about killing herself and was found with a large knife sitting next to her in the shower. This poor girl was a mess. I was obligated to get her help for her own safely and unfortunately against her will, She begrudgingly went with me after I explained to her that I wasn't able to leave and do nothing. She was a very sheltered girl from a very small town. We got to the hospital where she would get some help. Procedure is I get there, turn my person over to hospital security and roll. They put them in secure holding with the schizophrenic homeless guy that thinks he's Jesus and some guy that got PTSD from all the rape he got in prison. I knew how this worked. I knew this night sucked hard for Monica. I also knew that sending her off to the crazy lions den would bring the suck to a whole new level and likely turn her away from the process of getting help. I could just see her the next time she was way down, remembering this horrid experience and saying "fuck this attempt suicide shit, I not getting locked up again" and killing herself quite thoroughly. So I told security me and Monica would just chill in the waiting room until a bed was found for her. This took six fucking hours. I really didn't mind. I chose to do this and it was in the best interest of this poor girl in emotional distress. She didn't say much. She was trembling with fright. I just kept talking, busting off jokes and telling her about my own emotional trauma and ups and downs. Slowly, I could see she was becoming less terrified, but she was still scared. When it came time for her to go to another facility that had a bed, I gave her a few parting words. I told her about how I was supposed to just dump her off and send her into the crazy lions den. I told her I was kind of screwing my partners by hanging out at the hospital for six hours. I told her this was not something that any officer would have done. Then I told her I wasn't saying this to make her feel bad or let her know how awesome I was, but that I did this because I wanted something in return. I told her that I wanted her to be open to the process and be open to getting help. I told her that she had a long life ahead of her and she could get on the right track now at 19 instead of living in Shitville like I had until I was 39 years old. I told her it takes a brave person to reach a hand out for help. I told her that is exactly what I demanded in return for my six hours, for her to be brave and take that help. As I was talking to her, my hand was in my pants pocket where I keep all my talismans. I felt the rock I was carrying. I took it out and told her the story behind it, how I had found it on New Mexico, carted it around for 100 miles, took 6 weeks to make it nice and shiny and how it had been with me while on duty as a talisman. It was a part of me. I gave her the rock and told her to remember the kindness of a stranger the next time she was down. I wanted her to remember this night and know she was not in this struggle alone. I later got a call from Monica's mother. This woman would not shut up about how awesome I was and how her daughter told her I was the only reason she didn't totally lose it and run out the door. It was a kind gesture to let me know this and I thanked her. I didn't do all that for a gold star on my report card or something. I did it because I've been in that shitty place emotionally. I did it because there are certain people that brought me back from the brink. I did it because now its time to pay it forward.

I always carry a rock or two now. I've given many away to those in need that I have connected with. I've given some to kids or just crime victims. Its a token of compassion, giving a part of me to those in need of a boost. I was getting low on rocks and needed to tumble a new batch. I ordered more grit and looked up on the internet how to do this again. This website said I needed to discard the rocks that had pits or crevices or were odd shapes. Those rocks will not come out perfect and pretty. Bullshit. My first batch of rocks had many of these so called undesirable characteristics. These rocks are the ones that turned out to be the most interesting. Those were my favorites. Then, because my brain is always looking for deeper meaning, it hit me.

How much is this like our own lives? We trudge along, carrying a burden. After many years, we (hopefully) take this burden and decide to make something pretty or useful out of it. We put time and effort into this long and laborious process to turn this dirty chunk of whatever into something beautiful. Once we process this burden, we have made something beautiful, but also with very interesting scars, marks, crevices and imperfections. We are not perfectly round and pretty and shiny all over. We are real and natural. We embrace these imperfections as who we are. This is life. Parts of it are shiny and beautiful with amazing color and design. Some of it is not shiny, but unique to our journey. These imperfections are exactly who were are. Throw out the rocks with imperfections? Wasn't that Hitler's "Final Solution"? I'm certainly no history scholar, but that get rid of the undesirables shit didn't turn out so well from what I hear. I don't want to be perfectly round and shiny in a world with others that are perfectly round and shiny. That sounds like an Orwellian nightmare. I need my imperfections. My imperfections are exactly what has brought me to the path I am on now. Acknowledging and embracing my imperfections is the only way I can make the other parts shiny and pretty. It is certainly the only way I can share what is shiny and pretty with the rest of the world. My batch of rocks is in the middle of it's second grit cycle as I write this. I cannot wait to see how they turn out, imperfections and all.

If you see a cop walking around and it looks like he has an awful lot of stuff in his left pocket, stop and chat with him. If he seems a little eccentric, he may reach into that pocket and give you a really cool rock. Don't ask for it though. If that cop isn't me, that's going to be really really awkward.

The Man, the Myth, the Midlife Crisis

I am a soccer dad. Except it's anything but soccer. My son is hooked up into just about everything. Cross country running, track (going to regionals!) Boy Scouts (a lot), leadership stuff, and just general teenage boy things. He's a good kid and I am glad he is engaged. I am a single full time dad though, since he was just under two years old. I love him and his passions but I'm always getting that kid somewhere.

Today, I was taking him to a friends house that was going to give him a ride to some leadership seminar. I was sort of meandering my way home in no particular hurry. I happen to live just down the road from the cemetery where my maternal grandparents are buried. I figured I would dip in and pay a visit. It's the Buddhist in me, trying to embrace the concept of death. I didn't really expect the wave of emotions and thought this seemingly innocuous visit would bring.

I am in the midst of what perhaps could be called a midlife crisis. It most certainly an existential crisis and it just so happened to come in my midlife period, as I turn forty years old this month. I found the grave and remember the cold February day that I served as pall bearer for my deceased grandfather, Jackson Eugene. It was a windy, blustery Oklahoma day. I believe it was even sleeting. It was just miserable weather, but I was honored to render such a service. I remember following the path the tractors use to get to the grave site. The coffin was quite heavy. I do not recall who there other pallbearers were. I was eighteen years old and on the eve of adulthood and only a few months away from my Navy adventures. My grandfather had many major health issues that seemed to just pile drive him at the end of his life. There was Lupus, some early stage cancer, and maybe just a bit of Alzheimer's. The turning point was during a routine overnight stay at the hospital to check on one of these ailments. My grandfather was a very stoic and proud man. He was also old and feeble at this stage of his life. During the night he had to use the bathroom. A man like my grandfather wasn't about to call some nurse in to help him do such a private task. He got out of his bed and fell hard. He broke his hip and did some other damage to his hard used and frail body. This trauma made everything that was already going on much worse. He died not too long after. It was a bad deal and a crappy ending to a great life.

I sat there at the grave of my grandparents, honoring them. For without them, there would not be a me. I asked my grandfather what he would do or how he would feel if he were dealing with the issues I am very much struggling with these days in my life. Then I began to think deeper. There is no simple thought process in my life. I began to realize that my grandfather was almost a mythical character. A hero of a Greek epic. He was born in 1915 in a very rural part of Texas. His abandoned him and he was raised by his mother and family. He married young and had a son. He wife abandoned both him and his son, and Jackson became a dedicated single father much as myself. His son went on to win two Grammy Awards for music in the late 60's, so he had to have done something right. He worked his was through the Great Depression. He was never without a job because he worked his fingers to the bone in whatever crappy job he could find. He was in construction by trade and was a master tile setter, bricklayer, concrete man, and carpenter. His level of craftsmanship was second to none. He would always do the longer and more labor intensive version of whatever his work was because it was the best and strongest. He made less money so that he could know he did it right. He was honest to a fault. He once stole and orange to eat during the Depression because he was starving. His conscience ate at him until he went to the boss and confessed to his crime. He was fired, but his soul was restored. He was an Army veteran of World War II, serving in the Pacific Theater. I believe he used his construction skills there. He did not see combat, thankfully, from what I am told. The story of his service is even better than a combat tale. My grandfather was the only one in his unit that could be trusted to guard the beer shed. You see, my grandfather was a life long teetotaler. He never once tasted a drop of alcohol his entire life. This quality along with his fervent honesty made him the ideal soldier for this job. Everyone else would skim out the of the beer supply or give it away to his buddies. My grandfather would never dream of doing such a thing. Jackson returned from the war, and like much of the "Greatest Generation", sucked it up and made America great with speed and great haste. He continued his work in construction and had parts in many important projects in my large city on the prairie. He was a devoted husband to my grandmother. He almost babied her. When he died, a lot of my grandmother died with him. People don't love that hard anymore. he continued to raise his son, raised my grandmothers son as his own (her first husband died in the war), and together they had my mother. They were good, salt of the earth, middle class people. He and the family walked a block to the Methodist church every Sunday without fail. He was stoic but also hilarious in ways that only he knew about. He used to always wear some tee shirt with something funny on it under his church suit, probably giggling inside at this joke meant just for him. He helped out his friends and neighbors. He knew right was right and wrong was wrong, and by God always did what was right. My grandfather was such a noble figure in my life, I named my son, my one and only child after him. Jackson is a name that I associate with a greatness that few can achieve or maintain, Not greatness in fame or wealth, but greatness of character and integrity, This is the greatness that really counts in the end. I pray that my own son can achieve part of this by virtue of carrying this great name of his ancestors. These are the stories I was told by my mother. These are the ideals that I longed to emulate in my own manhood. I have fallen quite short in about every respect, though I feel.

Here is the catch. I hardly knew this man. He was of course around until my eighteenth year, but he was a man of few words. His health had left him due to some injury or something that I am not quite clear on. It seems to have robbed him of his vitality though. He was an old feeble man that I remember interacting with, but don't think I ever even approached bonding with. My grandmother I bonded with greatly and I certainly loved her. Why is it that the myth of a man I barely knew is such an integral part of my life? My mother worshiped this man, as you should for such an honorable and dedicated father. The myth of Jackson Eugene was given to me by my mother but I never knew of this man myself.

This of course leads me to another mythical man that has influenced my life. My own father. My dad's family is dysfunction junction. My dad ran away from home early to join the Army, be and Airborne Ranger, and go to fucking Vietnam. How bad does your home life have to be that jungle combat in an unpopular war is the better alternative? Probably pretty rough. My dad is legit. He earned a combat infantry badge, did all kinds of secret squirrel shit that he probably still can't talk about even if he were willing. He would not be willing, however, because legit operators (as they call them in our current wars) don't brag, they just get shit done.There are likely untold numbers of Vietcong bones in a jungle on the other side of the world with my dad's bullet wounds on them. When I got into my shooting as a rookie ( http://nobodybodhi.blogspot.com/2015/09/the-rookie.html ), I called my dad and asked him if he'd ever killed anyone. I shit you not, his response was "Well not here". This had the inflection of "You've killed one guy? WHOOP DE DOO!". Holy shit, that's hardcore. My dad is one of those guys who could have gone good or bad. He's a 5'7" pile of pure badassery. Luckily he went with good. He was briefly a fireman and then got hired on the police department, the same department in which I currently serve. He served with distinction as an officer and then a lieutenant for thirty three years. He was twice decorated for bravery in the line of duty. He was that boss that would take a reprimand to cover his troops on something he told them to do or even just agreed with their decision. This actually happened. He was old school. If you needed to be dressed down or told you were an idiot, he would tell you. If you were a troop, an asshole citizen that got all butt hurt over nothing, or even the Chief himself, he would let you know when you were out of line. He was respected for this. They don't make officers and especially lieutenants like that anymore. The "man-ginas" I've worked for are more afraid of covering their own asses than taking care of their troops. Officer will literally die for a man like my dad. I even got to go on a call once with him. We were both on day shift, in different divisions of course because you can't work for your dad in a paramilitary organization. They had a guy run into one of the metro malls just south of my division and in my dad's. They thought he was armed and were worried about an active shooter type situation. Everyone rolled to that. I get there just as my dad arrived on scene. We formed a contact team and went it. It turned out to be nothing, but damn was that an adventure to be under the command of my own legendary dad on a contact team for a possible active shooter. I had about nine years on when my dad hit thirty three and retired. He was able to bring two years of Vietnam era military service over to his police pension so technically has 35 years on the books for maximum pension benefits.

Guess what? There's another catch. I don't really know my dad either. My parents divorced when I was six. Back in 1982, dads got every other weekend visitation. He also worked like a beast, week on/week off like I do. They were paid like crap back then, so you have to work a ton of "extra jobs" just to survive. He went on and married this mega bitch and was with her for like eighteen years. That bitch hated me and my sister. I cant stand my sister either, and neither could you, but I'm cool so WTF? It got to where as i got to my early teen years and had other things to do, I would do them. Who wants to willfully put up with some bitch that hates you? (wait, I guess I do because I basically just divorced the same kind of woman, CRAP!). This was on top of the fact that my dad has the personality of a pile of firewood. He was graced by the hand of God to be a soldier and cop, but I think some of the other ingredients were left out. Engaged fathering? Nope. Emotions? Whats this crazy talk? I feel the one thing I have always done well at and can be proud of is my role as a father. I also feel I became this father because I did not have one and did the exact opposite of what my dad, or mother for that matter, did for me.

I followed in the exact footsteps of my father. I served in the military (OK, Navy, but fuck off. It counts), then got on the police department to serve my community. I did this partially because i always feared the concept of living a life without meaning. I would hate to be on my dead bed and my see that my years of labor and work only contributed to a companies profit margin. Screw that noise, I want to make a difference. I am pretty certain I also did this, at least subconsciously, to earn the love or be recognized by that father that I really never had in my life. He still lives here in the city and is only about a forty minute drive away, or a phone call away. I have tried to connect. I have primed the pump left the valve open for communication. I have desperately needed that connection in the last terrible year, the year of the breakdown. It's just not there. He does not have the capacity. Nor does my mother, but that's a different blog for a different time.

This last year and a half has been the worst of my life. It has caused me to question the very nature of my existence. It had caused me to question the entire course of my life. I question the thoughts and foundation I have based my life on. I am beginning to realize I have based the entire course of my life on emulating mythical men that I don't even really know and that honestly have never known me. I am chasing the ghost of this noble idea of what I think manhood should be. I don't think I even once stopped to contemplate what man I needed to be based on who I am as a person.

I have leaned an awful lot about the person I repressed or didn't even know while in pursuit of the myth. I love to write. I am artistic. I am compassionate and loving. I am open with my feelings (now, after the breakdown at least). I often think of what life would be like had I embraced or tried to at least find who I was in my youth. What else could I have done with my life? What path could I have taken? It would have been meaningful because I will always need that. I do like my career most times. It seems to be more meaningful now after my breakdown and having been at my lowest point, I have a compassion now that I could not have before. You cannot know true pain and strife until you yourself have been face down in the mud, battered, bloodied, and bruised. You have to get that low to get that different perspective. I have found my niche with the emotionally disturbed, the downtrodden, and the outright crazy. I have been in those shoes and can feel true empathy. I have what seems like infinite patience with them. I leave them with a deep sense of pride, knowing that by showing compassion and true understanding I had a chance to really make a difference. But this macho man, Type A bullshit culture is toxic. I get made fun by my peers for trying to connect and show compassion. These people have not seen what I have seen. They have not come to terms with their own demons. We mock what we do not understand.

I question my life as though I had based it all on some silly Hollywood stereotype of The American Male, which is essentially what I did. I don't even know who I am. I also turn forty this month. Half a life wasted on chasing the equivalent of the Loch Ness Monster? The good thing is that at least I was awakened. What a shame to have never found this realization. I have to do at least eight more years in my current career to get my pension. I am over that hump at twelve years, and to leave now would be idiotic. In these remaining eight years I well set myself up for Life V2.0.

If I can only convince my own son to not chase the myth and be who HE wants to be.

Take care and be well, my internet friends. Go visit your grandpa's grave too. You never know what he might have to say.

Back to the Beginning

On September 25th, 2010 I was married. It retrospect, this was not a good decision. The problem is that I knew this was a bad decision. Psychology, codependent, something psychology I did it anyway. Today, my divorce was mercifully finalized more than a year after I initially filed. This was confirmed by texting my attorney. It was a year of many, many delays, filings of contempt, and her absurdly fighting, lying, hiding assets, lots of money spent to bring this all to light. In the end, she settled on the exact same deal I offered her they day I left her, and screwing myself out of many joint assets. The rational then, just as it is now, is that I can make more money but I cannot make more sanity. This is nothing profound or deep, this story happens again and again every single day. 

The deep and profound part is this. I write this as I sit at anchor about a mile off the Florida Keys, about 5 miles south of Key Largo by road. I am about an hours drive south of Miami Beach, Florida. I live in the Lower Midwest. I have been to Key Largo and Miami Beach just twice in my life. Once this week, and once during the long weekend I spent down here with my wife because we were married here. 

I am on a trip with my son. We are on a sailboat at sea for a week. It's a very peaceful and amazing experience. We have gone snorkeling and seen all the beauty that the reefs of the Florida Keys have to offer. We have see the sunset in the special way that only happens along the Keys, with brilliant shades of every color delighting the eyes as the sun sinks slowly into the Gulf of Mexico. We have see a galaxy of stars that you can only gaze upon at sea and miles away from a single man made light. It's a place of amazing beauty alone, but every since my navy days, the sea has always had a special place in my heart. This trip was set in motion 13 months ago and I am quite glad we did it. 

The divorce was set in motion almost a year ago today, this very day my divorce became final. There were so many twists and turns it made my head spin. There was game playing, postponing of hearings, hunting for phantom hidden accounts, a pointless arbitration, delay after delay after delay. This divorce should have been finalized a month after it began, and again every further month it dragged on. It was even postponed for a last few days to fall into the week I am on this trip in this place instead of the Friday before we left. 

All of this escaped me somehow. On this day the divorce was to be final. All my responsibilities had been taken care of prior to leaving. My blessed attorney handled the rest. I did not think we would have any communications this week and I was ok with that (prefer it even, smartphones tend to be a ball and chain). We happened to anchor at Key Largo this evening and I was able to check in with my jewel of an attorney just to hear that all had went well today. It surprisingly did, and thus the chapter was closed. 

There are mixed feelings of course. I'm glad it's over, but it should have never began in the first place. There was a profound emotional breakdown because of the trauma of the emotional damage, but from this breakdown I was reborn. There are thoughts of failure, of loss, of dreams that died, of mistakes made, of love misplaced and lost. When my reborn self has such dilemmas, I meditate. What better place to meditate while sitting on the bow of a sailing ship, anchored in a cove near Key Largo as the sun sets in it's most beautiful way?

Then it hits me. It hits me like a punch in the stomach. This beautiful sun I just watched set is the same sun that I and my new bride watched set from a dock not 5 miles from where I set anchored on the day after we were married, married on the same beach I had visited just a few days before. We were married on the sandy beach at Miami Beach. We then drove along the highway on the Keys specifically to see this sunset. It was a cherished memory, one of the rare ones from this tumultuous relationship. 

What does this mean? It is too much for me to contemplate at this moment. It is all too fresh, all too raw. The emotions are too confusing. How can this be? How can this fall together with such perfect timing from two different events with so many variables? How can this happen just so? I don't know, and I can hardly process it. 

I had a bit more time to reflect on this as the sky grew dim, and the stars began to glimmer. Perhaps this is my chance for a do over. Perhaps I can start again from the very place I went awry almost 6 years ago. Perhaps I can set this trauma aside. 

Early in the process, I decided to tie my wedding ring to a few balloons and set it to the winds. I watched it float away, not knowing where it would go, how far it would travel, or where it would come to rest. It was a typical windy spring Oklahoma day, so the possibilities are beyond comprehension. I thought it was quite poetic, and still do. What if I had kept the ring and cast it into the sea at the same sunset where this tragedy of errors had begun? I never could have dreamt I'd be in this place on this very day, but oh, what an opportunity missed.