Wednesday, September 30, 2015

That's All I Can Stands, And I Can't Stands No More

Yeah I know, technical difficulties and blah blah blah. I'm on my lunch break and I can post from my phone app. Deal with it. 

This past year has been stressful, like that guy from that Scanners movie when his head explodes stressful. It's just one thing after another. If I had a dollar for everytime I've said I'm stressed to the max or at my limit, I'd have enough money for a decent dinner, and maybe a good beer to go with it. It's been rough. 

I was driving in to work this morning, listening to my escapist audiobook, The Oregon Trail by Rinker Buck. I'm listening to this guys amazing journey across the Oregon Trail in a period correct covered wagon and mule team. He and his brother are middle aged men, exposing themselves to similar hardship has our pioneer ancestors did in the mid nineteenth century. There is a safety net of civilization and cellphones and no cholera, but it's still a risky adventure. Anyway, they are making their way across the vastness of Wyoming when disaster strikes. They are driving the wagon across an incline when the weightin their detached supply wagon shifts and overturns. This is bad. Major things break. They are truly in the middle of nowhere Wyoming and that's saying something in a place as sparsely populated at Wyoming. They need major repairs or the whole expedition is screwed. Pioneers died in droves because of this exact type of misfourtune. 

Rinker Buck reacts in a surprising way to all this stress. He is glad for it. He knew things would go wrong as a realist, and was waiting for it. This was his trial by fire at about the halfway point of his journey. He saw this as a chance to prove to himself that he had the ingenuity and gumption to deal with adversity and carry on. They do get it settled with the help of strangers who became friends and some good old elbow grease and ingenuity. What a grand opportunity! You can prove your meddle in a life and death situation that most normal soft bellied Americans haven't experience in and century and a half. 

This brings me to a brief moment of clarity and positive thinking. If Rinker Buck can be grateful for trashing his wagon in desolate Wyoming, surely I can be grateful for my vaguely alluded to head exploding stressors. Once my trials and tribulations have passed and been dealt with in a efficient and productive manner, I'll feel like I've achieved something. I SURVIVED something. Surely I will feel vigorous in my pursuit of living life once I have walked through the valley in the shadow of stress. I might just flitter off into the sky with my newly lightened load. It's a light at the end of the tunnel and a positive spin on things as I currently ponder my predicament, face down in the mud. Soon, life will be light and joyous. I'll have bells on my toes and a song in my heart. Hang in the old boy, the goal is in sight. 

My pictured friend Popeye says "that's all I can stand, and can't stands no more". He then slams some spinach and punches the stuffing out of someone. I might eat the spinach, but I now know I can stand more. I'll go meditate for a bit and save the punching for Popeye. 




Tuesday, September 29, 2015

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES...

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. BODHI'S MOVE IN DATE TO HIS NEW HOUSE HAS BEEN BUMPED UP BY A WEEK. HE CURRENTLY HAS EXACTLY TWO BOXES OF BOOKS PACKED OUT OF HIS ENTIRE APARTMENT AND MUST BE OUT IN TWO AND A HALF DAYS. WE APOLOGIZE, BUT THE DAILY NOBODY BODHI WON'T BE SO DAILY UNTIL I FIGURE OUT EXACTLY WHAT BOX I PACKED MY LAPTOP UP IN. 

WE APOLOGIZE FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE. GO READ A BOOK OR SOMETHING. DID YOU KNOW HARPER LEE HAS A NEW ONE OUT? I WOULD START THERE.



Monday, September 28, 2015

The Loading Dock

It was December 7th, 1998. I was only months away from finishing my four year enlistment with the U. S. Navy. I had enlisted in the Navy and left for boot camp exactly thirteen days after I had graduated from high school. The Navy was to be my career. During my enlistment, various things here and there convinced me to choose another path career wise. These last few months were my twilight.

As you know, December 7th is Pearl Harbor Day. Savannah, Georgia has a tradition of inviting a Navy ship to be a guest for their remembrance of "a day that will live in infamy". My ship, a newly commissioned Burke Class destroyer was so honored with this invitation that year. 

If you have never visited Savannah, you should go. The city is truly a jewel of the antebellum south. Legend has it that the city leaders met General William Tecumseh Sherman at the edge of the city and offered to surrender in exchange for his army not leveling it, like he had done along every part of his so called march towards the sea. General Sherman accepted this surrender and offered her as a gift to President Lincoln. This could be historically inaccurate, but I'm going with it because it's pretty epic. 

Savannah is breathtaking in its beauty. The city planners designed parks to be liberally spaced between the ornate homes that were built mostly during the early nineteenth century. These homes have been lovingly maintained by their owners and have a charm that is hard to find in a nation filled with suburbs and McMansions. These charms are covered quite well in the book "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil". I highly recommend this book (screw that movie though, blah).

A contingent of my shipmates participated in the parade marking the anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor. The ship's officers were wined and dined by such organizations as The Daughters of the Confederacy and the like. I was content to just wander this city and take in all the beauty she had to offer. I, of course, did so in my dress blue uniform, in all of its splendor. The city was quite accommodating to all of her seafaring guests. 

As day turned to night, myself and many of my shipmates migrated towards the waterfront district that sits right on the Savannah River. This waterfront area was an entertainment district in the spirit of Bourbon Street in New Orleans. Alcohol, open container and public intoxication laws are generally ignored by the patrons and the police as long as you don't get too brazen in your alcohol fueled adventures. It was quite a night. Being a sailor in uniform and being an honored guest of this most gracious city meant that none of us paid for most of our drinks. No sailor worth his salt would pass up such an offering. "Drink to the foam" is a line in Anchors Aweigh that we  had to learn in boot camp. We must get drunk. This is tradition!

Get drunk, we did. We honored sailing men of the centuries that emptied barrels of rum well before there was even a United States Navy, and every sailor since with our drunkenness. Merriment was had, cups were emptied, uniforms were soiled. It was a grand time. 

All good times must come to an end, and several of my buddies decided it was time to stumble back to the ship. It was getting late and our livers were starting to tell us we would regret this someday. We headed back to our splendid warship home. It was quite a walk. They had docked our ship a good distance down the river in a fully industrial area, likely because of our size. We stumbled through a pretty rough area, in retrospect. The Good Lord added drunken sailors to that saying about protecting babies and fools that night. The Good Lord also had a sense of humor this night as well. 

We were most of the way back to the ship when I heard it. There was quite a good time being had just off the river. It was a low rumble of that festive techno dance music that always makes for a good time when you're drunk. I convinced my friends that we just had to check this out. This seemed like a good idea all around so off we shuffled. 

We soon arrived at the source of the party. It was a dumpy looking warehouse called "The Loading Dock". Dumpy or not, we needed in on this party. We went inside with visions of drunk ladies with a thing for men in uniform. 

We walked in the door. The music was definitely bumping but the crowd was thin. We stood by the front door and scoped the place out. So much for the crowds of women, lusting after sailors. Then I began to notice that there were really no women. There was not a single woman, but still some dancing and club stuff going on. The realization began to seep through the drunkenness as the doorman leaned over and said to me "I think you guys are in the wrong place". Indeed, he was right. Four drunken sailors, somewhat disheveled but still looking quite splendid in our dress blue uniforms, had just walked into a gay bar. 

We quickly left as I agreed with the doorman, "I think you're right". We continued on towards the ship, silent and milling around the horrible mistake we had just made. One guy made sure that we all understood that nobody must ever hear of this. Everyone agreed enthusiastically but me. How can you not tell a story as wonderful as this? You cannot keep this comedy of errors to yourself, it must be shared with the world!

We arrived at our ship. We crossed the brow and gave our salutes to the colors and then the officer of the deck as we came aboard. My shoes had barely set foot on steel as I began to tell the tale of that time five minutes ago when we wandered into a gay bar called "The Loading Dock". It even sounds like a good gay bar name, similar to "The Man Hole" or something. I told everyone I could find of our adventure, much to the consternation of my friends. This was much to hilarious to not be told. 

Many years have passed since this night. I looked on google maps this afternoon to see if perhaps The Loading Dock was still around. Maybe there were a few heartbroken gay guys that hang out there that talk about the time they let those handsome sailors get away. Alas, I could not locate The Loading Dock or really even tell where it was. I was quite drunk that night. I tell this story often, it is one of my favorites. Maybe, just maybe, there's a gay dude somewhere who tells it from his perspective so that it may come full circle. 


Saturday, September 26, 2015

If You Come To A Fork In The Road, Take It

Yogi Berra passed on the the great ballpark in the sky this week. That's a sad thing, for he was an entertaining and beautifully ugly little big man. I'm sort of a passive fan of baseball. I enjoy it in the romantic sense like Field of Dreams, Casey at the Bat or that time a gimpy Kirk Gibson rocked one out of the park and did his epic fist pump around the bases. I work a low paying extra job for our local minor league ball team in the summer just to get to hang out at a ballpark. I obviously never saw Yogi play and am not particularly a fan the Yankees, or any team in general. I just enjoy the game and it's characters and legends. Yogi was one of those guys that transcended his sport and became a legend. His "Yogi-isms" are well known. "When you come to fork in the road, take it" is one. Another is "I never said half the things I said". The second one may be true but I'm not going to let the facts ruin a good blog opening. 

I have come to a fork in the road this week. I was cruising into work, late as usual, and had an epiphany. I really don't care for the job I'm doing these days. It doesn't suit my personality and it seems like I'm spinning my wheels most of the time.

It was an odd epiphany that came on all of a sudden. I even surprised myself, because usually I know these things. The wonderful thing about my career is there are many different possibilities for many different abilities and interests so it's not like I'm locked in to something I despise. I can go do something else with a simple request. It's really that easy. 

The problem is that I hate change. I mean I HATE change. The solution to my epiphany is so simple. "Hey, I want to go do this different thing". It's what I need to do without a doubt. There is no downside. My feeble mind just can't make it that easy. I've had to ask opinions from everyone I know. I must run it over in my head again and again. I fret, I worry about the negative possibilities that totally are not going to happen, I doubt my own decisions and needs. I don't know why this is. 

I just finished reading The Tao of Pooh and then consequently Winnie Pooh by A. A. Milne. Granted, The Tao of Pooh isn't some sacred Taoist text but the idea is a good one. Winnie the Pooh just glides through life, following his own path. When something comes up, he just does the correct thing. He doesn't think about it because he has no brain. It always turns out best for him and the others in the Hundred Acre Wood. No fretting, no worrying, he just follows the path set before him. He takes the fork in the road and everything is fine. He knows which path is his because he knows himself. 

I am trying to know myself. It is a process. We haven't talked much until recently but we have started the process of reconciliation. We will be friends again in time, and friendship begets trust. Then I will be like Pooh and take the fork in the road. 

Yogi Berra to career epiphany to Winnie the Pooh? It makes sense in my wacky mind. It's been a long day too, so cut me some slack. 

Yogi once said "it ain't over til it's over". Indeed it is Yogi. Play well in the field of dreams. 




Friday, September 25, 2015

Mistakes Were Made

I took a day off work today. I had a late night working an overtime job and didn't care for the idea of getting up early to go sit at a desk I really don't care to sit at in the best of circumstances. I have another late night tonight and tomorrow night, plus I have to be up early again tomorrow morning. I needed to sleep in today and it was so very glorious.

I finally get out of bed at an indecent hour and have a sandwich. I sit down and decide to watch one of the Star Trek, The Next Generation episodes I have on my DVR. I love that show. I didn't even discover it until a few years ago. I'm not into the Shatner Star Trek and some of the movies are cool, but TNG is awesome. That's another blog for another time. Anyway, sandwich in hand, I start the first episode on the DVR list. It's an interesting one. The USS Enterprise is sent back to Star Base Something Whatever Gamma Two to retrieve some database that was left behind when it was frantically evacuated eight years ago because of some contrived techno babble reason that makes TNG so awesome. Commander Riker led the rescue mission and was transported out last and in the nick of time because of the something something positron field did something bad. He was cited for bravery and being such a sexy man beast (probably). They had to wait eight years to go back because of something something quasar cycles. When the away team beams down, GASP!, they find Riker is still on the base. There are two Rikers! Geordi and Data explain that during the escape, the transporter operator did something technical and a copy was made of Riker and bounced off the megatron field, down to the Star Base where he sat alone for these past eight years. The other Riker went on to grow a sweet beard and bone a bunch of hot alien chicks (among other things). Both Rikers come to terms with the different perspectives they have now from their totally different experiences even though they are the same guy. While I'm watching, they start one of those annoying emergency broadcast tests that totally kills my Star Trek groove and the date flashes. September 25th. Holy crap. I totally forgot about today. Most days, I'm vaguely aware of what day it is and today was no different. The difference is that today is the anniversary of a rather large mistake I gleefully made years ago. I try to be vague here. Details just tend to muddle things. I assure you, this mistake was a doozy. One of many I have made, just like all of us I would imagine.

The double Riker thing gets me to thinking about mistakes I've made. Things I have done but should not have, things I haven't done but should have. There are many. I have great difficulty connecting with myself from an earlier time. I can no better put myself in my 16 year old or 30 year old shoes than I can put myself in your shoes. I don't know you, I cannot relate to your experiences or ideas about things. I cannot do this with myself and I find that very odd. I still wonder. What would Bodhi Nobody be like had he not made some of those mistakes? How much different would my life had been? How would my personality be different? I cannot mourn these mistakes very much, because one of my most epic of mistakes is what brought me my wonderful and life fulfilling son. I have him completely full time, you see, and he is an amazing kid. That epic mistake is just about the only way I could have managed to be a full time parent with the absolute control over my son's destiny that I am so thankful for. The only other option would have been to get pregnant myself. That would have been hard to do and my penis hole would have never been the same after giving birth, but I digress. 

Can I really regret my mistakes? They have made me exactly who I am today, and I like who I am. Some of my greatest mistakes have lead to very good things. My sometimes colossal mistakes have brought many good things to my being, beyond my amazing son and experiences as a single dad. My mistakes have forced me to look deep inside and see my true nature. They have guided me to meditate under the figurative bodhi tree with the Buddha. They have guided me back to my Methodist roots to hear the amazing philosophy of Jesus, to hear the sermons of Sam Powers, a man that somehow could look into MY heart and tell me exactly what I needed to hear to go out and be a better person (Sam has a good blog too, check it out at  http://precedinggrace.blogspot.com/). The Buddha and Jesus were both kind of on the same page I have learned, but back on topic Mister ADD. My mistakes have lead me to learn to let things go, the shed anger, regret and hate. My mistakes have caused me to discover my artistic side, from physical art, to trying to learn to play music, to this blog someone is hopefully reading (if so, hello there and welcome!). My mistakes have designed ME, and I really like me.

Could I have been a wildland firefighter for the National Park Service? Could I have lived overseas after the Navy? Could I have stayed in the Navy? Could I have not screwed off in school so hard (2.2 GPA baby!) and attended West Point or the Naval Academy as I had dreamed of? Could I have played a sport in school? Could I have not married and divorced twice? Could I have not returned home after the Navy? Could I have not let go relationships that would have likely been emotionally fulfilling? Could I have attended college instead of enlisting? There were so many choices made, some good, some bad, some exceptionally bad. Every single one of those choices brought me to this day and to be this man.

In the TNG episode, abandoned Will Riker and Number One of the Enterprise Will Riker did not get along very well. They could not relate to each other. Genetically, they were the same man, but very different in every other way. Alternative universe Bodhi Nobody would be a completely different man. He could have been a globe trotting cowboy astronaut porn star or something totally rad, but he would not be me and I would not know this man.

In my quite amateur and limited knowledge, Taoists say to just let life happen and don't worry about it, the path is before you. Buddhists say don't get caught in the past or the future because you will miss the now. Christians say be anxious for nothing for the peace of God will guard your hearts. Jews say may the Schwartz be with you (I haven't gotten much further than Mel Brooks movies in my Judaism studies). These are all very good ways to see things, but that doesn't mean you don't ponder the possibilities from time to time.

Happy Day I Made a Vaguely Referenced Mistake Day everyone!

Thursday, September 24, 2015

The Art of San Diego

I'm moving again. Moving really sucks, just so you know. Yesterday I was working on packing up my library of books. I say library because I've kept every book I've every owned in the hopes of having my personal library one day. It's still a work in progress. As I'm putting books into boxes, I open one up that I've had since I was very new in the navy. When I was in the navy, I would stick documents or similar things in my books that I wanted to keep or use them as bookmarks. I open this book called "The Aardvark is Ready for War" and see a sticker I had put in there as a bookmark sometime in late 1995. This was while I was going to my comm school in San Diego. The sticker was for a place called Primal Art Body Piercing that I visited. That, my friends, was an interesting night. 

I arrived in San Diego in August of 1996, just after boot camp. I reported to the Service School Command to complete Radioman A school. I was nineteen years old and new to the larger world. 

San Diego is a pretty short distance from Tijuana, Mexico. I'm either wrong or was way naive but I don't believe Mexico was quite the drug war zone it is today. The brand new and often underage sailors from the base could take the short trip to Tijuana and drink their paycheck away, see the notorious donkey show, or do any manner of wild and crazy things. The problem was that a drunken nineteen year old sailor was a prime target to get thumped and robbed. Some were even cut or stabbed. The base commander, as you can imagine, didn't like such things happening to his sailors. The solution was to lower the drinking age on base to eighteen years old for beer only. This was designed to keep the young and stupid teen sailors drunk but nice and safe on base. It was a much different time. 

So the night begins. Myself and four of my sailor buddy's are at the base bowling alley. The base was in the process of being closed down for the post Cold War drawdown. This was really the only place to go for beer or otherwise. We had not been out of boot camp long enough to earn the privilege of wearing civilian clothes so we were wearing our "working white" uniform. It was white of course, with an short sleeve button up shirt with ribbons and rank insignia that we didn't have yet. We looked like milk men. 

We drink pitcher after pitcher of cheap domestic beer. We become quite lubricated after a bit. In this jolly state of ours, we decide that we all need Popeye tattoos. Popeye was a sailor, we are sailors, we are drunk. It makes perfect sense. 

We drunkenly shamble off base and down Rosecrans Avenue, the main street in front of the base. We are surely a sight to see, drunk children, wearing milk man costumes, stumbling around in public. We know from previous and non drunk experience there is a tattoo parlor just down the road. 

We stumble into the tattoo parlor and begin to explain our genius idea of us all getting Popeye tattoos. The owner politely listens then informs us that he cannot give us tattoos in our drunken state. 

We are greatly disappointed this night. We wander around, dejected. We eventually stumble upon Primal Art Piercing and Jewelry. The owner is named Art. Art is AWESOME, probably because we are drunk teenagers from Podunk. Art has many tattoos, sweet tattoos, all over. Art has a brand on his calf, a real brand like a cow. It's in the shape of a hand with a spiral in the palm. Art listens to rap music and metal, like with cuss words and everything. Art has those things in his earlobes that make a really big hole. He has piercings, many piercings. We again collectively get another brilliant idea. 

We decide that what we really need tonight is not a Popeye tattoo, but we need our nipples pierced. We explain our plan to Awesome Art. He also tells us that he cannot do such a thing in our current state. We beg, we plead, but he will not relent. He does say that we can hang out with him is his shop, which is awesome. 

Art knows a lot of cool things. Art explains to us that a nipple piercing on a guy is one of the most painful you can get. You see, men don't have big nipples. You have to go behind the areola and basically pierce the pectoral muscle. Holy shit! Thanks for turning us away, Awesome Art. Art also tells us he has a Prince Albert. "A what?", say we. Art explains he has the head of his wiener pierced, both vertically and horizontally. It's like a medieval weapon dick. The look on our faces only encourages him. He says a Prince Albert is a fully manual piercing. It takes twelve seconds to accomplish. A metal rod on one side, a cork or something on the other. Your frightened dong is shaking in terror in the middle. Twelve seconds of pushing a rod through your wiener head. He did this to himself, twice. Art has transcended awesome. He is officially bad ass now. 

We hang with Art for awile. A woman comes in and gets her nipple pierced. We ask to watch but are declined. We listen to Art's CD's. We begin to sober up so we head home to our barracks. We thank Bad Ass Art for the interesting evening.

The next day, one of the guys I was with goes back to the tattoo shop and gets his Popeye tattoo. I don't remember his name but I do remember that I was glad I didn't get my own Popeye. It was pretty lame when I was sober. I did get a navy tattoo later. A traditional sailor's tattoo explaining my sea travels and adventures. It's much better than a Popeye.  

I don't know if Art still has a shop there. I thought about calling the number just to see, but that would be kind of weird. 

The navy base where we lived is long gone, along with the bowling alley that entertained us all those years ago. The base was turned over to private development a few years after we left. Google maps shows it to be a parking lot for a strip mall, along with our barracks. 

The navy no longer allows eighteen year olds to drink anywhere. You get in trouble for that now when you get caught. 

The milk man uniform is long gone as well. The navy has had a serious fashion spree in the last few years, changing uniforms several times for no real reason. Now they wear some black and khaki thing that makes everyone look like an officer, and that ridiculous blue camouflage. I guess that is so when you fall overboard, they don't want to be able to see you. 

It's funny how one cheap giveaway sticker can bring back so many memories. I'm glad I held onto it for all these years. Thanks for the sticker, Art. Wherever you are. 



Wednesday, September 23, 2015

The Perfect Storm

This storm, so tumultuous.

Send the ships out to sea, for they will be smashed to bits if left moored.

The conditions are perfect for such a gale. The pressure, temperature, and tide are all just right.

We strike the jack and hoist the colors, to the briny sea we sail.

She is quite angry, what was once a beautiful blue is now green and violent. 

We pitch fore and aft, a roll of more than fifteen degrees,

Gear crashes to the deck, a cup shatters, books tumble and fall.

Is the days of sail, we surely would have perished, eternal guests of Davy Jones himself.

I open my eyes, I open my mind.

My ever faithful ship shall weather the storm, she has never faltered.

But in the midst of these angry swells, my home port is so far away.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

The Rookie

It was a late summer Thursday morning. The rookie had only been to his new assigned station a few times since he had never trained over there. He didn't really know that side of town. This was only the sixth time he had ever driven to this station and he still wasn't sure about timing with morning traffic, He did not want to be late since he was brand new. You can't start off a law enforcement career with a bad reputation. A police officer's career lives and dies with his reputation among his peers. Once again, he was about thirty minutes early for work.

The lieutenant says"Since your here early I'll send you down to Norman to relieve third shift. I was going to send Albrecht but she isn't here yet". The rookie dutifully complies and heads out the door to find and load up his pool car. When he heads out, he doesn't really know where he is and has a vague sense of where the hospital is. He ends up taking a route very much out of the way since that is all he is familiar with. The rookie eventually blunders upon the hospital. He parks on the far opposite site of the wing where the officer he is supposed to relieve is. Man, what a start to the day.

Now the rookie is new, but certainly not inexperienced in the ways of the world. He is a second generation police officer. His father served with distinction for more that thirty years on the department. His father was also a combat veteran in Vietnam, serving as an elite Airborne Ranger. He has grown up around the life. This is his calling. The rookie also served in the military himself. He had planned on joining the Marine Corps but was talked out of it by his experienced father. "You don't want to be a grunt like I was, join the Air Force of Navy and learn a skill you can use". He did join the Navy, with images of Maverick and Goose in his mind. He did communications, not exactly thrilling but it taught him about responsibility and taking care of business as a man. He is almost thirty years old himself and is raising his four year old son on his own. He has plenty of life experience.

The rookie somehow manages to find the room where the third shift officer is waiting. This officer is notorious for being a cocky jerk and is no different this time. The turnover consists of "here is a cookie, I'm out". "Thanks for the information, dick" thinks the rookie. The relieved officer walks away and the rookie is left guarding his prisoner. He was briefly told about the guy he was to guard by the lieutenant and he was on his way out the door. This guy had robbed someone or something and got hurt. He was in the hospital to heal up enough to get booked into jail. He is a skinny weaselly looking white guy, likely a meth head. He is covered in bandages from almost head to toe. He is injured on both forearms, his head, and right thigh. The rookie dismisses this mess of a person and sits down to make sure he doesn't hobble off. This guy is barely held together with stitches, how boring.

What had not been explained to the rookie by his boss or the officer he relived was that he was guarding a very violent and dangerous man. He would learn this much too late. This man was a serial home invasion robber. He had preyed on the elderly and weak. He would pick a victim, usually elderly women, and knock on their front door. He would spin a tale about how his truck had broke down and ask if he would use the victim's phone. The victim being kind and perhaps a bit naive would allow the predator into their home and the violence would commence. He had victimized three elderly women and one elderly man. Each time he would get more violent. The first few he would just use his hands to beat them. He would demand their money, checks, or anything of value. He would beat them until he was satisfied he had stolen all he could, then flee like a wolf from the hen house. The male victim had been beaten with a crowbar and was still in the hospital recovering from the edge of death itself.

The predator was not so lucky in picking his fifth victim. She was elderly, but she was a sassy large black woman. She was very stereotypical in a good way, a strong black momma. She would prove to be quite a warrior when her time came. He knocked on his unbending victim's front door like the rest. She was a kind and compassionate woman and she let him in because that's what a Jesus would expect her to do. Once he gets in the front door, she knows this was a mistake. His demeanor changes, he is screaming at her with threats of pain and death if he doesn't get all that he wants. He pulls out a knife. He will cut her if he has to. He thrusts the knife at her to let her know just how serious he is.

I don't know what Big Black Momma was thinking when all this began to go so wrong in her living room. I'd like to think she was scared but also thinking something sassy like "I'm not gonna take this shit off no skinny white boy in my own house!" I can hope these things but I'm certain is was something much more primal. The most basic instinct that every creature has inside them, "survive at all costs".

The predator thrusts the knife and the Big Black Momma again. "Where's your fucking money bitch! I'll kill you if you don't get it now!". Big Black Momma is scared and she is cornered. There is no flight, only fight. So fight she does. She reaches out and grabs the predators knife by the blade itself. She severely cuts her own hand as she takes the weapon away from her would be murderer. She removes the knife from the deep would she herself caused. She grabs the knife by the handle.With a mighty burst of adrenaline only available when death is at hand, she goes to work. She stabs, cuts, slashes, and punches this little twerp until he is a leaking mess on the ground. She fights like a desperate beast. She wins a glorious battle of the utmost importance, the battle for her very own life. Once she has thoroughly emasculated this criminal, she runs from her own home and to her neighbors house to get help. She is frantic, bloodied, but very much victorious and alive. The serpent gathers what little is left of his dignity and slithers out to his truck and flees.

The shamed predator drives to his sisters house and tells her a story about how he was jumped by some guys and she takes him to the hospital in Norman, well out of the rookies jurisdiction. Through luck and a detective going above and beyond the normal routine, the serpent is discovered and his crimes revealed. Big Black Momma carved him like a Christmas turkey, so he will be at the hospital until he is released to go to jail for his string of violent robberies on the weak and helpless. These are things the rookie does not know as he sits and tried to find something on TV in the hospital room to pass the time.

The rookie is sitting here, bored. He is full of energy. "Do you know how much crime is out there right now? I am missing all of it babysitting an invalid" he thinks to himself. The rookie does his best to ignore the weasel he is burdened with. The weasel tells him that he doesn't know what this is all about, and that he didn't do anything wrong. The rookie mumbles something about how he doesn't know either and focuses on The History Channel.

The doctor comes into the room at around nine that morning. The supposed weasel is released to go to jail. The rookie seems to think he needs a form that he has left in his car to be signed by the doctor. He doesn't want to have to waste another minute with this guy because he didn't get something signed. He sees a prison guard around the corner. They are sort of like the police, so he walks over and asks if she can keep an eye on his prisoner while he runs out to his car real quick. He leaves the sight of his prisoner for just a brief moment. When he returns to the room, he sees his prisoner has gotten up and is standing by the door. He has a different demeanor and a look in his eye. The rookie later remembers this moment and realizes that he missed a major red flag.

The rookie handcuffs his weasel to the bed and runs to his car. He gets the form signed that he didn't even need in the first place. He gathers the prisoners items and uncuffs him from the bed. The rookie starts to cuff his prisoner in the standard way but sees there is a problem. The prisoners left wrist and forearm is so swollen and bandaged that no cuff will fit around it. The rookie thinks for a minute. His lack of experience convinces him that this prisoner is no match for the rookie. This guy can't even run, his leg is hurt. They start the long walk to the rookies car.

The rookie had parked on the opposite side of the building where is prisoner was being treated. The rookie and his pet weasel weave through the labyrinth of halls and walkways towards the police car and the trip to jail. The weasel stops several times, apologizing because his leg is hurt so bad. "I just need a short rest, my leg is really messed up. What is all this about again? What did I supposedly do?". With no experience to work from and the false confidence of a newly commissioned officer, the rookie buys the whole charade.

They finally make it to the front door after an agonizingly slow walk through the entire hospital. The weasel sees the daylight and knows he is going to prison. He knows his crimes and has fooled this rookie chump. The weasel become a cheetah and dashes for his freedom with an all or nothing desperation.

The rookie is shocked and angered. "How dare this weasel run from me!" he thinks. "Doesn't he know who I am? I'm the police!" The rookie drops his paperwork and the predator's belongings and gives chase. He draws his expandable baton with embarrassed rage. "Stop motherfucker!" he screams as he and the predator pass two doctors. "Stop motherfucker!" the rookie screams again.

He begins to gain on the predator, for he is fresh from the police academy and likely in the best shape of his life. He closes on the predator and swings his stick at his thighs. This trips up the predator and the rookie tried to tackle his escaping prisoner. The predator falls gracefully into a perfect roll and is instantly back to his feet and running away. The rookie falls into a heap and is not as fast getting to his feet to pursue again.

The rookie gets out his radio to call for help. He yells into the radio, giving the situation. There is no answer. He tries again. Still nothing. There will be no response. The radio is still on the channel of his home division more than twenty miles away and well out of range. The rookie realizes this and understands that there is no help to call. Whatever happens this day is solely going to be between him and the predator.

The predator has gained a valuable twenty yard advantage over the rookie from his advantageous fall and recovery. He zigs and zags across the parking lot. He begins to run north but sees a hospital security guard. The predator turns west as the security guard flees away from the escaping prisoner. The rookie sees this and cannot believe the cowardice he has just witnessed.

The predator continues west and crosses the busy street adjacent to the hospital. The officer is behind him and gaining ground. Cars slam on their brakes and skid to a halt as the predator focuses only on escape and the rookie focuses only on his fleeing prisoner. Both narrowly avoid being run down by morning traffic.

The predator sees a chance for escape. Across the street is an old man sitting in his car. The car is running. He runs to the passenger side of his final victim's car. He opens the door, gets in, and locks the door just as the rookie catches up to him. The game has changed, the stakes have been raised, the predator has just sealed his fate.

The rookie gets to the door and finds it locked. He looks in the passenger side window and sees the predator trying to sit in the lap of a tall elderly man. The man has an oxygen tube attached to his nose. The rookie would later be told this man had a minor heart attack just the week before, He was here waiting for his wife in the clinic nearby. He is in the wrong place at the wrong time. The predator has chosen yet another weak and helpless victim.

The rookie knows the old man's life is in jeopardy. The old man is tall and stout and in his younger years could have likely pounded this little turd into dust. These years have long passed, however. Today, he is in danger. The predator has positioned himself partially in the old mans lap, with one leg pressing the accelerator to the floor. The other leg is on the center console. The old man has his foot pressed on the brake with all that he has in him. The car is in gear. It is a battle of strength and endurance that the old man cannot win.

The rookie looks in the passenger side window and realizes the true danger of the situation as the cars wheels begin to spin since the accelerator and brake are both pressed to the floor. He screams at the predator to get out of the car. This is pointless and he knows it. Time starts to slow down, the noise of the city around him disappears. He looks down at his stick in his right hand. He throws it to the ground for now he understands exactly what must be done to end this reign of violence and terror. If he lets this predator escape with his fragile victim, the victim will surely be in grave danger. The rookie would betray his oath to protect the innocent if he does not act decisively.

The rookie calmly draws his weapon. It is a Glock 22. A .40 caliber pistol that has been studied, babied, and most importantly mastered during the police academy. The rookie is an excellent marksman, tested through all the stress his training officers could simulate.

Through the passenger window, he sees a target that he cannot risk taking. The predator and old man are almost one body. The rookie moves to the front of the car, wheels still spinning and the car lurching forward in violent jolts. Again he orders the prisoner out. Seconds seem like minutes. The rookie sees the predator partially in the old man's lap. He cannot risk shooting through him and into the innocent victim behind him. The rookie sees a chance though. The predators lower right belly is the only visible target that is not in front of the old man. The rookie calmly raises his weapon, lines up the most delicate of shots, and gently squeezes the trigger. There is no sound, he feels no recoil, he only sees the bullet ever so slowly exit the barrel of his weapon. He sees the round slowly rotate and advance towards the target. It seems like it takes minutes before it hits the windshield. It goes through the windshield with no deflection. The rookie sees his bullet slowly enter the predator. It hits exactly where he had aimed. The rookie knows this is a very minor wound and the predator is still determined to escape with his final victim. The wound does cause the predator to flinch slightly towards the passenger side of the car and away from the old man. The predator has given the rookie the perfect target.

The rookie's weapon cycles and he lines up his following shot. He must stop the threat, end this chaos, save this victim from certain death or dismemberment. He gently pulls the trigger again. Time hardly advances. Sound does not exist. The round again leaves the barrel, slowly rotating towards the windshield again. The rookie can see every single detail of this bullet, every single rotation is clear in his mind. His aim is just and true. The bullet passes through the windshield again, expands with deadly precision, and enters the predator right in the center of his heart. He sees the predator turn an odd gray color almost instantly. He sees the life drain from his body. He sees his soul descend into the depths of Hell.

The old man sloughs off the dead man from his lap. His lifeless mass falls to the passenger side door. He unlocks the door and the rookie opens it. The vanquished predator falls to the pavement like bag of trash. There is no blood, no gore, just a pile of skin and bones that were formerly used for evil. He looks into the car and asks the old man if he is ok. He replies "I guess so, but who is going to fix my windshield". "How appreciative" thinks the rookie.

Across the street the rookie sees two security guards, one of which ran from the battle just moment ago. Cowards, useless yellow cowards. They stand on the curb on the opposite side of the street like obedient purse dogs, content to just observe from safety. "Call an ambulance, asshole!" yells the rookie. They say they already have.

Time returns to normal. Details begin to fade and blur as the adrenaline goes away. The investigation begins and eventually ends. It was a good shoot. A life was saved, a life with a name and family. The rookie's career has just begun.

**********

This rookie is long gone. A decade has passed. The dreams and nightmares have faded and are mostly gone. His hair is gray. He is a seasoned veteran now. He has saved other lives in much less dramatic fashion. He continues to reflect on that day ten years ago. He has always believed it was just, the strong defending the weak from harm. The predator chose his path and chose his fate. It was our destiny.

"But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God's wrath on the evildoer"



Monday, September 21, 2015

Finding Peace in Chaos

I try to meditate everyday at work. I'll walk out to the park near my office, read a bit from a book, then spend the magic twelve minutes finding peace within.

I walk over to my park today. I read the intro to my new book, Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. It seems pretty awesome and I'm looking forward to getting into it. I then start my meditation timer. Distractions and chaos ensue. 

First, the clouds that were providing me shade vanish, and my neck starts cooking. Then, two police cars pull up and hustle towards the fountains that I like to sit beside and meditate on occasion. I hadn't noticed the serious faced individuals there before, but apparently a quite mentally unbalanced homeless woman had climbed into the underground access area of the fountain and decided it was a nice place to live. This understandably frightened the maintenance guy who went down there to get some things done. My brothers in blue arrive, and she isn't coming out. She makes this abundantly clear with the screaming string of curses that would make a sailor blush. The skinny rookie (poor guy) is sent in to get her. They get her cuffed and out, cussing and screaming the whole time. Then the fire truck and ambulance arrive with sirens blaring. While this drama plays out, the building across the street is under full reconstruction gauging from the myriad of loud sounds coming right into my ears.  Are you kidding me? Is this a joke? Am I getting punked? How can I find my twelve minutes of peace with all the chaos surrounding me?

Then I get it. Is this not a microcosm of life in general? When does anything ever work out as you expect or want? Are we supposed to freak out and run away from these challenges? There is always some obstacle that can get in the way of your life if you allow it. You cannot change this, but you can most certainly decide how you let these obstacles effect you.

I took this to heart and continued my twelve minutes of peace in Chaos Park, Meditation has been described to me as standing in a stream. Thoughts and distractions flow towards you like fallen leaves. Do you stop and hold onto leaves as they come to you? Of course not, you let them flow right by. Even the leaves that have sirens and scream and cuss at policemen (I need to work on my analogies).



Sunday, September 20, 2015

The Dawn

As the darkness fades and the morning sun rises, I look upon the fresh morning light.

It warms my heart and soul, it brings life to my leaves and flowers. 

It's daily salvation gives me vigor. 

This sun will set, but I do not fear. Tomorrow it shall rise again and will enlighten and guide me evermore. 


Saturday, September 19, 2015

Kenneth, Cool as Ice

He walks by like he is the coolest guy around. His swagger denotes a confidence unmeasurable and perhaps even some talent as a smooth pool shark, able to separate fools from their money with class. His dress is relaxed and casual, yet it is clear that he puts effort into looking good. He knows he looks good. He walks by with the greeting of "hey brother man!" with a sincere and warm smile on his face. He portrays a friendly Samuel L. Jackson air, a metaphorical pimp with a kind and care free manner.

I see him again as I return from my errand. He is still as cool as ever. I sit down and chat with Kenneth. He is very genuine. He is a black man in his sixties and has likely lived a sometimes rough life. He tells me as a younger man he worked for the railroad. He had an accident on the job and sustained a serious head injury. Kenneth says they gave him a bit of money for this but in the end didn't do right by him. This transgression is no matter for his simple and kind soul however. He mentions some of his mistakes he has made in life, the drug use seems to be his biggest shame. He says that he is trying to be a good Godly man and leave all that behind. I assure him that we all have made mistakes and that God knows your true nature.

He speaks of things and events that I know not to be real, but it is of no real harm for him to believe such things. His brain was truly damaged all those years ago and this is his reality. He seems to be a decent man who lives his life his own kindly way. Despite all of his troubles, he is still friendly and content and sees the world as a good place to be.

Kenneth is certainly no pimp or pool shark. He is just a man that is comfortable in his own skin and happy to be himself. I tell him 'God bless you" as we part ways and I mean it. Kenneth is living a good life on his own path.

Friday, September 18, 2015

Carmen of the Carnival

Another week, another featureless fairground. She says she lives in Michigan but is on the road for nine months a year. She has been doing this for twenty five years. How does home even feel like home? Going to your home is like a sailor getting shore leave, a refreshing break in a strange land.

I ask her if she likes it. She pauses and looks up, trying to think of the right words. The answers my question better than any words could. I say "you're just used to it?" and she seems to agree in a weary manner. She says it's good because her family is with her, her grown and almost grown children and even a baby grandchild. A modern day gypsy without the ornate wagons or curses. I say that there is a lot of worth in having family close in such a manner. She seems to agree but also says there are many fights. Being so close and so intricately tied to each other does cause friction. She says just last month her husband and adult son had an argument that boiled over into fisticuffs, the issue was not mentioned but it had time to ferment into a violent brew that ended in some stitches. 

In sheer naivete, I ask if she gets to at least see interesting things in the many towns she gets to visit. Of course it was a stupid question. It's all business. Drive in, set up, work long hours, then back out. The only thing she gets to visit is the Walmart closest to the fairground. There is no wonder, no joy, no sense of adventure in this travel. 

Travel is my passion. I look at truck drivers and long for the opportunity to ride the open road like riders of the days of old. Romanticism has no place in the life of a carny, so it seems. 

Thursday, September 17, 2015

The Death of Legend (or How I Learned to be Bodhi Nobody)

Did you know I used to be a legend? It's true. There was a time not so long ago when my exploits and adventures were spoken about in hushed reverence. There was the donnybrook at the hospital, the gunplay, and especially the one about the well oiled trick and the locked door (the best one, just so you know). In my circles, many stories were told of my escapades. Oh yes, I was a legend. The mission was accomplished, the duty was done. 

Then a strange thing happened. I became invisible. "He who is nobody". A ghost, a has been, a non issue. I see faces I've never seen, hear names I've never known, get looks of utter confusion inside the warm confines of my own circle. Those with whom I shared blood, sweat, and tears now look right past me. How can this even be? Do memories fade so quickly? Is glory not forever?

These answers I do not know. I just ponder them, a nameless face in a nameless crowd. One of many fallen leaves, gently pushed down the river to the ocean of anonymity. 
 

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Thanks to Stephen Crane

I love to drive. Driving to, from and on vacation. A nice drive in the country. A few hours just for a visit to someplace insignificant. I once drove from OKC to the Kansas border and back one night just to feel wheels on the road. Anyway, I love to drive.

My daily commute is about an hour one way and because I have no ambition to ever be on time for work, it's a nice start to the day. I've taken to listening to audiobooks on the drive because there is nothing good on the radio and the news is depressing and stressful. I love my audiobooks.

So the other day I'm driving and I am stressed to the max. My plate is full of this, that and the other. My hierarchy of needs is missing just about all the first two levels, so that's fun. I drive along and turn on my current audiobook. It's a collection of short stories from the 19th century. They are very entertaining with beautifully crafted wordsmanship. A short story by Stephen Crane called The Blue Hotel is playing but I'm not really listening. I'm not being mindful. I'm caught in the past and future and am not enjoying the now. This story catches my attention though. Such a suspenseful build up, such beautiful writing, even the narrators voice draws me in. I forget all my troubles, all my stresses, all my woes and focus on this art penned over a century ago. I am captivated and listen all the way through, even sitting in the parking lot for a few minutes once I arrived to hear the end of this joy. The ending sucked, I mean sucked. It did suck in an artful way and the middle of the story was glorious and was put before me at a time when I needed it though. Thank you Steve, for putting pen to paper all those years ago. It was just what I needed. 

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

A Digital Beginning

I've journaled for a long time. It clears my head and it organizes my thoughts. It seems appropriate to share my thoughts with the world. I enjoy writing, I enjoy talking to people and imagining their lives. I'm sure it's quite amateur. It's ok, I am also quite amateur (and possibly immature as well). I'll get to the writing tomorrow. In the mean time, here's a pretty neat photo I took this weekend on a nice country drive. The winds were strong from the south. The peace of the windswept prairie was deafening. It was a good day for deep meditation.

Namaste.